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Post by Vanntubs on Feb 11, 2005 20:33:01 GMT -5
A few years ago, on the HSU forums, we had a joke thread, which has given me some of my favorite jokes. Heres the rules of the thread
1) Please no racist jokes
2) all posts MUST have a joke in it, so we dont waste space, if you want to comment on someone joke, post a joke urself, and at the end say what you want
Well, Ill kick it off with two very funny jokes from the old HSU forums, I dont remember them perfect, so I may leave out some details.
Three men died, and went to the gates of heaven. St. Peter Said Heaven is a very big place, you will need a way to get around. You will be given something to get around in, depending on how true you were to your wives.
The first guy said I was very true to my wife, I never cheated on her, I loved her very much. Saint peter said Ok, Heres a porshe, The man gladly accepted the keys, hopped in, and rode off. The second guy said I loved my wife very much, but when I was young I cheated on her once. St. peter replied Ok, heres a mazda truck. The man thanked him, hopped in and drove off. The third man said I cheated on my wife every day, I hatred that bitch. st peter replied Ok, heres a 10 speed bike. The man was grateful to get anything at all, so he hopped on and rode off. He was peddling through heaven, when he so the man with the porshe crying, he rode up and asked What are you cring about? you got a friggen porshe
The man replied I just saw my wife on rollerskates.
LOL!! ;D this ones kinda sick, but you cant go wrong with it!
A man joined the navy, he was proud to be on his first day, he walked on the ship he was stationed on proudly. The captain was showing him around. The man asked I have a question, what do you do for pleasure around here? it must get very lonely out here when your at see for months the captain replied Oh thats no problem, if you ever get horny, that barrel over there has a hole in it you can bone. Its the best thing youll feel in your life. The man shuddered, he didnt like the idea. But after a few weeks, he needed pleasure, he didnt care how he got it. So he went and boned the barrel, sure enough, it was the best thing he felt in his life. He ran and said to the captian That was awsome! Im going to do that every day of the week! The captain said And you can! except tuesdays
The man replied Why not on tuesdays?
the cap'n said Because tuesday is your day in the barrel
;D I looove that one. Well, if u guys have more funny ones, lets hear it!
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Post by Primero on Feb 15, 2005 22:37:08 GMT -5
How do you know if a blonde was playing on your computer?
Drumroll..
If the joystick was on the chair. ;D
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Post by gazzman on Feb 17, 2005 0:17:29 GMT -5
A buddist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and asks "Can you make me one with everything?"
LOL!!!! A buddist told me that one! ;D
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RareX
New Member
Posts: 2
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Post by RareX on Feb 26, 2005 20:53:50 GMT -5
Hehehe rockpapersaddam.com/Ok heres one that I have A marine who was in Iraq got a letter from his girlfriend that he loved. The letter said, "Dear John, I've slept with 2 men since you've left and I want to break up with you. And I demand you send me back any pictures that you have of me." So the marine did what any squared out soldier would have done. He went around asking all his buddies for pictures of girls, some nude, some not. He then sent the all of them back to his girlfriend with a message saying, "I'm sorry I forgot which one you were, please pick out the picture of you and send back the rest." |
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Post by NewbieStats on Feb 27, 2005 2:32:13 GMT -5
Hahahahahaha i gotta remember that...
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Post by Eeyore on Feb 27, 2005 18:19:11 GMT -5
You gott a write a joke if you want to post newbie...
There was a 6th grader and one day in class the teacher asks: "If there are 10 birds on a wire, and one gets shot, how many are left?" and the boy replied, "none". When the teacher corrected him, he insisted he was right. So the teacher asked him to explain. So the boy said if one gets shot, the rest will fly away from the noise. The teacher said "that's not what I meant but I like the way you think." So the boy asked if he could ask the teacher a question, she said sure. the boy asked "there are 3 women in an icecream parlour. One is licking her icecream, one is biting her icecream and the other is sucking her icecream. Which one is married?" The teacher replied "the one sucking her icecream" The boy replied, "no....its the one with the wedding band, but I like the way you think!"
har har
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Post by NewbieStats on Feb 28, 2005 13:19:12 GMT -5
Okay since i cheated the first time ill make up for it... but i gotta say i loved the marine joke! =)
(This one is kinda like Vanns heaven one, but its the hell version)
There we three men who died and went to hell. They pleeded for their lives and the devil gave them a deal;
"IF any of you 3 make it to the top of this mountain, ill let you leave hell," The devil Said, "IF any of you fall down you'll forever be killed over and over again by Me in the fashion your fathers last job was."
So all three guys agreed, and the first began to climb the mountain. He made it 1/3 of the way and he fell off the mountain to the devils feet, the devil looked at him and said "What was your fathers last job?" and the first guy said "He was the guy who used the Demolistion ball", so the devil said "You will eternally be hit by a demolistion ball", and then the next guy went up. The second guy made it 3/4 of the way, and fell of the mountain. The devil asked "What was your fathers last job?" The guy looked scared, he then said "He was the guy who laid down the carpets in houses". So the devil said "You will forever be laid under carpets being laid in houses". So the devil told the last guy to go.
The last guy went up to the foot of the mountain proudly, He climbed up the mountain faster then ever, passed the first guys point and laughed, he then reached the second guys one and began to think. So then as he reached the top of the mountain he looked at the devil and grinned, he jumped off the mountain before he reached the top. The devil was puzzled, he looked at the guy and said "What was your fathers last job?", the guy said "Lollipop Sucker."
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Post by Vanntubs on Mar 1, 2005 21:11:55 GMT -5
There was this cat who loved to get drunk, who went to the bar on the other side of the tracks.
He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.
The cat starts to stumble on home. As the cat comes to the train tracks, he doesn't notice a train coming down the tracks.
As he started to cross the tracks, the train zoomed by, and cut off his tail. The cat turned it's head to see the damage, got his head stuck into the side of a speeding box car, and is instantly decapitated.
The moral of the story:
don't lose your head over a piece of tail!!
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Post by Eeyore on Mar 1, 2005 21:37:05 GMT -5
A guy goes to a bar and has a few drinks. After a few, the bartender asks if the man is going to be ok to get home. The man insists he is fine and keeps drinking. A while later the bartender again asks if he is ok and the man yells at the bartender to give him more. Finally it's time to leave and the man tries to stand up but immediately falls to the ground. He tries to pull himself up but is unable. Finaly, he pulls himself home using his arms (his house isn't far). The next morning his wife asks him how his night was. He said it was good except he got so drunk that he couldn't walk home. His wife nodded and replied, "I know, the bar called this morning, you left your wheelchair there last night."
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Post by Eeyore on Mar 1, 2005 21:40:29 GMT -5
A man and his wife are riding in their horse drawn buggy late one night. The horse stumbles on a rock and makes the carriage jerk violently. Upset, the man yells at the horse and says "That's ONE!".... on they go, the horse comes to a puddle and stops. He refuses to cross the puddle. The man jumps down and pulls the horse through the puddle and says "that's TWO!" They come to a bridge and again the horse refuses to cross it. The man pulls out his rifle and shoots the horse. His wife starts yelling at him "what are we going to do now? nag nag nag" the man says "That's ONE!"
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Post by Eeyore on Mar 1, 2005 21:42:13 GMT -5
A man goes into a bar and gets so drunk. He goes outside and gets on his horse and finds someone stole the head off his horse. The next day, he tells his wife someone stole the head off his horse. She asks him how he got home. He says I had to stick my hand down his windpipe to steer him!
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Post by gazzman on Mar 2, 2005 12:04:48 GMT -5
A man rushes into a bar and sits at the and shouts at the bartender "Quick! Give me a beer before its too late!" The bartender obliges. He drinks the beer as fast as he can and 10 seconds later he again shouts at the bartender "Quick! Give me a beer before it's too late!" The now confused bartender again obliges and hands him another beer. Again the shoots the whole thing down in less than 10 seconds. The bartender then starts saying to the man "Excuse me sir, but...." The man abruptly cut him off. "Quick! Give me another beer before it's too late!" The now increasingly confused bartender once again fulfills the man's order. As the man is swigging his beer as quickly as he can the bartender asks "Excuse me sir, but how will you be paying for these beers?" The man finishes his 3rd beer and replies "Oh crap! Too late!"
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Post by Burnsey on Mar 2, 2005 18:11:08 GMT -5
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with spectacular breasts and offers her $100 to let him bite them.
"Are you nuts?" she scoffs.
"What about for $1000?" he asks.
"Listen, you sick pig," she says, "I'm not that kind of woman."
"You wouldnt even do it for $10,000?" the man asks hopefully.
"You'll pay me $10,000 to mite my breats?" she asks. "OK, let's go over to that dark alley."
"Once there the woman takes off her blouse, and the guy begins caressing her breasts, kissing them, and fondling them.
"Hey, are you going to bite them or what??" she huffs.
"Nah," he shrugs. "Too expensive."
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Post by Vanntubs on Mar 2, 2005 18:25:46 GMT -5
A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends. After a while of shooting pool and drinking, he whispers something to his friends. A few minutes later he walks over to the bartender and asks for a shot of tequila. After he takes the shot he says to the bartender,'' I'd like to make a bet with you.'' The bartender replies, ''Sure I'm in a betting mood.'' So the man bets the bartender $1,000 that he can piss in the shot glass placed all the way across the room and fill it up and not spill a drop. The bartender says, ''I'll take that bet.''
So the man walks to the other side of the room and places the shot glass down. He goes back to the bartender and starts pissing. He doesn't even get a drop in. He pisses all over the place. In the bartender's face, all over the barstools and everything. After he was done pissing, the bartender laughed and said, ''You owe me $1,000.'' The man paid the money with a big smile on his face. The bartender asked, ''How come you're so happy?'' The man replied, ''You see those five guys over there by the pool table? I bet them $300 each that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it.''
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Post by Vanntubs on Mar 2, 2005 18:28:07 GMT -5
Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on itshead!"
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